Hold Me Close
by Caidyn
Summary: Remus and Sirius are fighting over something... serious. Couldn't help myself.


"Sirius you inconsiderate little arse! Bugger off! No, don't you bloody try to touch me." Remus Lupin was angry at his long time friend, and now lover, Sirius Black. They were in yet another fight over something trivial. Even when they had been just friends they had fought over those stupid little things that friends could fight over. But now that they lived together and were out of school it was harder to get over and through once they ended.

"No, you stop being an arse. I'm not the one who just found out that their mum just died. I know that you were rather close to her. I just want to comfort you." Under his breath, Sirius grumbled about something. It was true; his mother had just passed away from some kind of heart failure that he hadn't even known about. "Remus John Lupin, I love you. So get your cute little caboose over here so I can hold you. Please; just come over here. I really just want you to feel better."

Quickly Remus shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself. "I don't need you to go out of your way to simply just hold me. I'm completely comfortable and competent to do it myself. Besides I rarely cry, and you've barely seen me shed a single tear. I don't need to." Oh, but he did need to; he felt like a complete and utter failure for not knowing anything that might have been able to help her. He would have found out sooner if he and his father had been closer together. But that would never happen thanks to their past.

In the background of his thoughts he could hear Sirius sigh and mumble something about being too closed off. Remus had to agree that he wasn't the type of person to share how he was feeling twenty-four hours of the day. "I am closed off, but you don't have to fucking mumble it under your breath as if it's some kind of secret to keep from me. I'm like this because of my father; he hated me my whole life because of me being a werewolf even though it was his fucking fault I turned into one. And he made sure to let me know that he hated me for it."

"Wah, wah, wah; you sound like a baby. Stop whining over this. So you got hit as a kid, it's not like its some big deal that I have to cry over. Oh, boohoo you weren't loved by your Daddy. Grow a pair." Remus's mouth dropped while Sirius seemed to turn completely white. "Oh my God, Moony, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I just was upset. You know I didn't mean it, right? Oh please say that you know I didn't mean it." Remus was frozen all over in shock of what his lover had said to him. It wasn't like he was sensitive to insults, but coming from Sirius it was something completely different. They bickered often but never like that.

Sirius moved towards him and put his arms around Remus tightly. A hand went up to stroke his hair. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I am _so_ sorry."

"LET GO OF ME!" The cry that left Remus made him sound like a wounded animal that was breaking free of the thing that was holding him down. "Let go of me Sirius! I said I didn't want you to fucking touch me!" Remus barely cursed, but he did when he was having wild sex with his lover, completely inebriated, or angry. Right now, he was upset beyond anything. Sirius dropped his arms and backed away, hands up in a sign of surrender.

"I said I was sorry, Moony. You know what?—forget it. Forget I said anything at all. You're right, and I'm wrong. Does that sound good?"

"Yes! It does." Remus turned and walked away. They had been screaming at each other in the kitchen, which was his parent's favorite place to fight, so he walked into the living room. There were footsteps behind him, following him to wherever he was going. That was someplace he hadn't decided on just yet.

A hand shot out and whirled him around. "Where do you think you're going?" Sirius still looked furious; his grey eyes were flashing dangerously and even his hair looked a bit more wild than usual. The man was truly upset with what was going on that day.

"I dunno! Out. I'm going out. Is that a problem?"

"No. Why the hell would I care where you're going? I hope you don't get some kind of disease with the person you're probably going to go and pick up." Remus turned around and opened his mouth a little bit in shock.

"What did you just say to me? Did you just reference that I'm going to get a male prostitute to do something with?"

"Yes, actually yes. I did. You're going to go out and get a male hooker that has so many diseases that you can't count, so you give up and let them suck you off then you shag them up their tight little arsehole." Sirius looked so confident in what he was saying. They both knew that it wasn't true, or at least Remus was hoping Sirius knew this wasn't going to happen. It couldn't happen. Remus loved Sirius too much to hurt him like that, but his mind was past the functioning stage.

"Alright, I will have fun with them. I'm sure he'll be a better shag than you are; all that practice has to do something for him." It was Sirius's turn to look all surprised. The only answer he got was Remus turning and walking away. He ignored the calls after him of 'I'm sorry' or 'Please stay'. They were easy to brush off his shoulders.

Soon enough he was out the door of their apartment and on the streets of London. The light was fading from the sky, but over the buildings he couldn't see the sunset. Only the sky was colored with splashes of purples, oranges, pinks, and yellows that made it look as if a child had finger-painted all over the place. Somehow that reminded him of how when his father had been out he and his mother had painted together. Mostly it had been her smiling and drinking some kind of strong alcoholic drink in hand while she watched him make random streaks on the blank, white canvas.

Remus closed his eyes at the simple little memory of him and his mother. It was sharp and painful, successfully opening the wound, like a knife would, that her death had brought him. When he looked back to being little, he remembered that she always had been a bit slower in speed than the other mother's in their small town. One time he had gathered up the courage to ask his father, and had been told to shut it and do something useful. That was the loving family he had been from. Another time he had actually asked her; she hadn't even acknowledged him.

Never in his life had his parents thought to tell him anything about what was going on with his family. Most children grew up knowing everything that they possibly could. And now that he knew he had been left in the dark, it hurt. He was fresh out of Hogwarts and learning things he should have known from the time he had been younger. A fresh wave of anger washed over him as he turned into a deserted little walkway that was shrouded by trees. Barely any light was in the covered sidewalk besides the street lamps that were positioned on either side of the sidewalk at regular intervals.

The light left certain parts of the sidewalk dark. In the background he could hear the people wandering the streets. The people had just left a club; he could tell that because of the way they were laughing loudly, shuffling their feet, and sounding like they were throwing up at random times. He was used to hearing those noises from Sirius since the boy would go out to those clubs for the hell of it and leave Remus at home. Then he'd be sick for the next day from the bloody drinks they served there.

Remus sat himself down on a bench under the light so he wouldn't get scared or startled by anyone. He pulled his knees to his chest and let his chin rest on his knees. The emptiness that had been growing in his stomach had moved up to envelop his whole chest. His mother was dead. Charlotte Marie Lupin, his mother, was dead just like the flowers that were next to him planted in the ground. Somehow that made his eyes tear up.

He could feel sobs slipping out at him. There was nothing he could do to stop them anymore. The self control was completely gone now that he was alone. Remus moved his head down further to let his forehead rest against the knees that were still pulled to his chest. His shoulders shook as the quiet tears slipped from his dark brown eyes. It was better that he wasn't with Sirius, who would probably freak out over seeing the tears and start rambling because he didn't know what to do.

In Remus's mind, emotions were just a chemical reaction sent off from the brain a response to an odd feeling in the body. Emotions were just another reaction that was to be ignored, which was what he was trying to do even though the tears kept coming. Sadness was a less severe branch off of depression that could be caused by something like a family pet dying or people taking advantage of others. Depression was a chemical unbalance in the brain that convinced you that you were extremely tired, irritable, constantly sad, low energy, and others that he couldn't recall off the top of his head while sadness was just the feeling very low as well as crying.

As he let himself cry out, a light hand rested on his shoulder before moving down his chest in a sensual manner. "Looking for a good time," asked a husky voice in his ear. It was obviously a male that was very familiar to him, but at the moment in his distraught mind he couldn't think of whom it was, let alone what to do if this wasn't someone he knew. Remus lifted his head from his knees slowly to look in front of him; no one was there. The arm that had been on Remus's stomach moved up him to his other side to wrap the fingers around his opposite shoulder. It was gentle and extremely careful. "I have at least ten diseases in my mouth alone. I lost track after five so I guessed on the rest." The lips of the man were at the little dip in that little crevice just behind his ear. "Everywhere else I gave up on. But, for you, I'll wear a condom if you wish."

The man's lips stayed there but pressed gently against the skin. That was the snapping period; there was no way that Remus was going to let someone he couldn't even see violate him like that. "First off," he said in a snappy tone, "I don't see you at all, so I'm going to have to answer no. Second of all, I have no money to pay you for the services that you are offering to me. And thirdly, and finally, I don't want a prostitute."

A wet sensation appeared where the dip behind his hear was. Without even having to look back he knew it was a tongue that was doing that odd deed. Remus made a yelping noise and jumped up. As he whirled around he started talking, "I don't know who you think you are, but bugger off. I say that I don't want something like that you bloody idi—Sirius?" There was his lover standing behind the bench laughing loudly. He looked like he had positively had fun doing that and freaking him out.

"You should have seen your face! Merlin that was perfect. Did I distract you enough from your thoughts Moony?" Sirius had to know that Remus had been crying over his mother's death and had come up with that plan in a split second. It was just like Sirius to do something like that for the sake of Remus's sanity. Sirius sat down on the bench and opened his arms up in the way he did when he wanted Remus to come to him. "C'mere; can I comfort you now? I gave you about," he glanced at the watch that wasn't really there, "Twenty to thirty minutes to calm down. Do I get to hold you now or do I have to wait another thirty minutes until I can come back and check on you? If so I'd love to have a second chance on being a prostitute." Sirius was rambling to get the two of them out of their own minds, which could be a rather scary place at a given time.

Instead of denying Sirius yet again, he shuffled over to the boy and sat next to him. The knees went to his chest again. "Barely within touching distance," Sirius said disapprovingly. "Now, closer," Remus scooted over a little more, "Not near close enough," again he scooted, "Just a little bit more… There. Perfect." Remus was almost sitting on Sirius's lap by the time he wasn't supposed to move anymore. The quietness of the place filled him up again. When even Sirius wasn't making a noise, it wasn't good.

Remus put a hand over his face, covering up most of his eyes, and felt slow tears slipping out. In the background he heard his name being sighed then he was hoisted up to a sitting position on Sirius's lap. "This was how it was supposed to be earlier. If you had just gone along with it we wouldn't have had to have that whole argument over you getting a 'cum dumpster'. All you have to do is ask and I'll be happy to do that job for you."

"Shut up Padfoot," Remus breathed out in a watery voice. "I don't want you to be that vile name for me." He could hear Sirius laugh softly and press his lips just under Remus's jaw line.

"That's my Moony; never saying 'vile' names like hooker, 10 cent woman, or, my favorite, 'cum dumpster'. "

Remus hit Sirius's chest lightly as he glared at the boy. "Shut it. I really hate it when you say things like that. Besides, I'd rather not hear them right now." Sirius sighed and pulled Remus closer. All he did as a response was put his head on the boy's chest. That steady ba-bump, ba-bump was heard through the cloth that covered Sirius's chest.

"Sorry… I just like the word cum, especially if it's associated with you, and the word dumpster. Combined they make the perfect phrase that can be used for an insult that is all too hilarious."

"To be, or not to be…"

"Stop being so dramatic; it's not funny since I don't want to hear you go over that soliloquy for two reasons: 1. I get bored easily of it and 2. It's all about committing suicide. I don't want my little Moony to kill himself." Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius, but a smile was set on his face. "So, I'm taking it my plot to get you to stop thinking about this morbid subject of death is working," Sirius said happily.

And he was right. Over the course of five minutes of being with Sirius, it had taken his mind away from his mother's death. That was how they worked out so well in these times; when something major happened the other would take the time to keep the other from worrying over it. "Je t'aime. Vous êtes parfait, mon amour," Remus whispered.

"I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded sexy." Remus couldn't help but laugh as he pressed his lips against Sirius's.

**A/N**

**I dunno if it's really all that good since I wrote it when my thoughts were a bit jumbled. Based loosely off of the song A Winter's Day Monologue by: Saturday Night at the Apollo. Please review!**


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